For the last couple of weeks I’ve been really blunt with myself. I have thought of every thing in life that I haven’t yet “finished” and worse, the things I expect of myself that I’ve barely started.
I know this blog is called less talking, more writing but, I’ve been talking. Shocker. I’ve admitted my self proclaimed failures to the closest people in my life. I wasn’t raised Catholic, nor am I a perfectionist so the consistent guilt, shame and inward disappointment in myself is new to me. Those aren’t my default feelings. This whole “what have I done with my life” thing is uncomfortable. So, as it turns out, I’m not the only one over 30 that feels fiercely and secretly disappointed in themselves.
I’ve pretty much had this “plan”, this particular “ambition” developing since my first year of college. The trouble is… my plan is a website, an ecommerce global empire if you will. I’ve been planning on this, banking on it for years. There have been variations along the way. A real live costly website was launched in the Spring of 2010 but that website played out as a bit of a trial run. I learned a lot about what worked and what didn’t shortly after it’s launch. Fast forward to now, 1 massive heartbreak and 2 developers later and I’m at square one. I don’t know why the 1 heartbreak played such an integral role, but it did. Which is lame and somewhat pathetic, but true. My feelings can be very distracting. Anyway, I’ve had this plan for about 5 years now and have little to show for it.
I had a new developer. He was a friend that I trust entirely and he was down for shared equity. We were anticipating a first release date of February! I was wildly excited. It felt so right. BUT in the past week, he changed his mind and not because he isn’t a loyal, dependable person but because he is. He thought he could devote more time to working on it but he is realizing that he wants to spend his extra time with his wife and 2 year old boy. I can’t be mad at that. I can’t. In fact, I love that the world has men like him in it.
Truth be told. I was devastated. This career plan has become a lifeline to me. A dream I RELY on. I had so much hope and then it was gone, just like that. No hope. I just kept thinking, over and over “how can I do this by myself?” I was brainstorming things I’d never thought of before, my desperation was enlightening. I want this now, how do I make it all start now? And then… I figured it all out. Oh man, I love that last line. I figured it all out! I mean it. I’m finally going to do something “bigger than me” with my life. My global, connective ecommerce site will begin as a complex blog/magazine/sourcebook of sorts and I will grow it. I will start now. I will grow my dream. I will stop relying on someone else to make it a reality. I will stop waiting for the perfect moment. I will not plead with investors to see my vision. I will just start.
This rant is specific and personal to me and my experience but through talking to people this week, I learned about their personal failures, their disappointments in themselves. My incredible sister is an unpublished author. She has a story to tell and a mark to leave but everyone else comes first and the timing is never ideal. Hey sister, write your book. To my perfectionist friend that second guesses everything she does, whilst everyone else watches her in amazement. Believe the praise and let it drive you forward onto your life path. And to my friend that wants to make a real difference in the special needs community but feels limited by her degree, go get your masters, there are children and adults desperate for a person just like you to walk into their life right now. You are meant to do it.
We are flawed, vulnerable people. We are hard on ourselves, we forget the best of us and often, we don’t believe the compliments we hear. Many of us have big plans, big dreams that are untapped. What if that thing you’ve been intending to do, you do now? You know it’s possible because you’ve thought about it a lot and here’s the thing, you’re the only one capable of doing it. So maybe… don’t spend another minute of your life talking yourself out of your own ideas. Dive in.
If you feel like commenting below or on facebook, I’d love to hear your dream or hear that part of you that you second guess. I think we’re in it together. Put a voice to it.
- Troubled. Always. (fenellang.wordpress.com)
- Food For Thought: Communication (rosaliebardo.com)
- My OneWord for 2014 (sarahbellewrites.com)
- Just Say….eh, I dunno (tswwy.com)
- Self Doubting… (fenellang.wordpress.com)
- 242. What Do You See? (toinspirefromwithin.com)
- To keep or not to keep shut (tswrites.wordpress.com)
- Resolutions are not meant to be broken (shutterbugreflections.wordpress.com)
- Why Positive Thinking Depletes Your Sales Performance (And 5 Ways to Get it Back) (blogs.salesforce.com)
- How to (Finally!) Find the Courage to Pursue Your Dream (thedailymuse.com)