Dating profiles from a girl’s point of view

I wanted to meet my husband at the farmers market reaching for the same orange heirloom tomato. But I didn’t. I think that only happens in independent films based in Oregon. Though I tried. I wore my linen skirts, sundresses and carried the world’s cutest basket bag with leather straps. I filled it with fragrant flowers and waited in line for the freshly made crepes. I thought for sure, any minute the man of my dreams would be there asking me what I thought about cooking with the various kinds of mushrooms and I would proceed to tell him about my risotto. The cheese guy and the guys that sold the strawberry rhubarb jam and blueberries were hot on my trail so I knew I was on to something. In fact, I had a full out cheese cave dream about the cheese guy and I but I’m pretty sure he was about 19 and I think I was more into the cheese.

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Alas…

I met my stud muffin husband, online. He met up with one girl and then called to cancel his 3 month subscription and true to form, ask for a refund. That girl was me! Yay. I however, had been sorting off/on through the “sea of fish” for about 4 years. Boo.

Okay, so honestly, I loved the randomness of meeting people through a dating site. I think we get stuck in our own social circles and life gets too comfortable and sometimes too predictable. I love the randomness of meeting people period. If I could, I’d have everyone fill out a questionnaire about their views on life, their pain, their hope, their story. I am intrigued by our differences and the things that connect us. An online profile is an interesting thing. I think even if you aren’t posting a profile anywhere, you should write one. It’s a good idea to stop every now and then and look at yourself objectively, to summarize who you are and what you want out of life, and… love.

People write all sorts of things in their profiles but mostly they write about the best versions of themselves. What’s interesting is everyone has a unique version of what they think people want to hear. I became quite good at weeding through the profiles and I’m not going to lie, I took this on like I was a paid research scientist. I decoded

The guys with no shirts on = They want you to think of them naked first and foremost. They are paying a monthly subscription for a booty call. No thanks, I don’t know about you but I think it’s creepy to know what someone looks like without their clothes before you meet them. Call me old fashion.

The longwinded emails that said nothing specific about me or why they might be writing me = They are like the person in your phone that sends out a mass text to see who wants to hang out. They don’t care if they are hanging out with you, they just want a body next to them. They skimmed your pictures and read the first line of your profile only, they then copied and pasted the same message to you and 25 other ‘cute’ girls.  What’s the point?

The guy that winks instead of writes = This is the same guy that leans his body halfway out the car to yell at a girl. Effort wasted.

The guy with the pictures of him and babies = He wants you to know he might, maybe, someday… be a good dad. You should know that he purposely had this photo taken for his online profile. His sister or mom probably told him to do it. I don’t know, I love guys with babies and I think this is awkward.

The guy with an array of pictures of him and other girls = He wants you to know that girls want him. Not unlike the girls that wear cotton shorts that say “sexy” on the butt.

The guy with a beer in hand or doing a keg stand in his profile picture = He thinks this is facebook and his bros are watching. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he is definitely a tool.

The guy who has 10 photos and they are all zoomed out = His face isn’t his best asset and he knows it. Good marketing.

The guy who has 10 photos from the neck up = Dude’s a big boy and would rather you find out in person.

The guy that fills every inch of his profile but manages to say nothing = This will be your date. it will be long, painful and pointless. Or maybe he’s just a terrible writer. Either way…

The guy who talks about how fun he is and that he is just looking for a girl to have a good time with = He means it, believe it. I prefer this guy to the guys that pretend to be looking for more but really just want to be the “call for a good time” guy. He wants a Summer hook up and he is likely going to be hooking up with a lot of girls through the dating site. I’d avoid him, for the same reason people avoid public toilets.

The guy who wrote a whole paragraph about “the one” or “soulmate” in his profile = This dude is intense. His friends are likely all married and he feels like he’s “behind” so he is going to spend the whole first date analyzing whether or not you’re “it”. If it goes well, he’ll likely want you to meet his family within a week or two.

Okay so that’s the round up of “red flags” in my book. A good profile is about personal reflection, it’s about knowing yourself well and being able to articulate and express who you are through words. I’m of the mindset that a man should know how to articulate his thoughts and feelings through words. I know it’s not something our society necessarily expects but I think we should.

Most people online talk about liking the following:

  • Travel
  • Family & Friends
  • Snuggling up to watch movies
  • Going out to Dinner

Most people online also happen to:

  • Work out 3-4 times a week
  • Be slender or muscular (sure, sure)
  • Love their job
  • Love music/seeing live shows

So you know… if you’ve read more than 10 profiles you’re going to get pretty bored. I think the best strategy is to think about what your quirks are, what your random interests are, what things make you smile or think twice. Write something you’d want to read about you, chances are, the person who is going to like you in person will appreciate your honest quirks in writing as well.

These were some of my quirks:

  • I have a full cabinet of tea
  • I like messy blankets
  • I like brand new socks
  • I buy fresh flowers on a regular basis
  • I enjoy the idea of living abroad
  • I’m known for my stove top popcorn
  • I do wall stands when I get a little buzzed

Things guys wrote that I liked:

  • I believe we are responsible for our own happiness
  • I like movies that make my mind turn
  • I’m 1/2 a cup German, 1/4 cup Swedish and a 1/4 cup Swiss
  • I’m looking to meet someone that I can’t stop thinking about

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7 comments

  1. Ericka Clay

    Thanks for the Tipsy Lit shout out! 🙂

  2. Morgan Flagg-Detwiler

    This was super funny! I giggled!

  3. Ok. So yet again, the more I read of your posts…this was me at some point. Also met my boyfriend on Match….. this is getting twilight-zonie. lol. I’ve thought the same thing when I was on these sites. Right on! loled for half an hour. 🙂

  4. Ha. Awesome. It brought back some crazy memories to write this post. 🙂 My Little cousin is braving the match.com and I’ve become her “coach”. Too fun.

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