Why I don’t regret

Aside from my 3 broken ribs, I couldn’t be more into this morning. Last night I decided to ignore my latest diagnosis and enjoy ringing in the New Year with my favorite people. I danced hard. This morning involved icing my ribs and breakfast on the sofa with one of my very best friends before her flight back to San Francisco. When she left, I took a warm epsom salt bath and excessively poured all of the salt into the water. It felt luxurious in the saltiest kind of way. Now I’m snuggled up in my Hand and Cloth blanket writing to you.

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I’m researching acupuncture masters programs and learning that the expected salary is pretty crappy in relation to the potential tuition costs. So not only would I basically be devoting 4 years to medical school for hippies but in true hippie form, I might not actually make money. Also, I was serious about wanting to get knocked up this year. I can not wait to have little kids running around our house. So much to consider. But honestly, my mindset has always been that I have to follow my dreams so that my kids know how to.

I’ve been fascinated by acupuncture since I was 16 or 17 years old. My ex boyfriend went to an acupuncturist and it cured him of his pain. It made no sense to me so I started reading about it and was blown away, I looked into becoming an acupuncturist right after high school. My parents thought I was trying to be “new age”, even though Chinese Medicine is over 2,000 years old… I had a lot of passions that I was interested in following so I decided not to fight for this one. There are reasons to regret that choice, but I don’t. I followed my love of design and have been continually inspired by what I see around me and the people I’ve met. I have in many ways found my calling in design but more than that, I found my people. The kind of friends that fill your soul up so much that they become a part of your blood and your every smile. In knowing me, in listening, in believing, they truly, truly kept my heart alive.

I’ve had this little heart of mine shattered more times than I care to admit. I’ve been so open and vulnerable that virtual strangers were able to break me, my spirit and my belief in humanity. However, I know that I cherish every ounce of happiness and loyalty because of those moments. I’m actually quite grateful that life didn’t go as planned, that relationships I loved and fought for didn’t work out. My own shattered heart taught me what it was to inhale love and to appreciate it as the most delicate thing in the world. My sadness truly taught me what happiness tasted like and how it moved. I find myself in awe of my husband’s love for me and his willingness to promise his love to me forever. A younger me would not have felt so overwhelmingly grateful.

When I was little, my parents had me in everything, tap jazz, ballet, piano, gymnastics etc. I had fun with it all, except piano. I wasn’t ready to learn piano at 5 years old because I hadn’t experienced an emotion worth purging/expressing through music. Music is like writing poetry, if you only know happiness and contentment, you’re poetry is going to be pretty lame. If you only know that you like playing with your dolls, cuddling and play doh, your musical soul will leave something to be desired. Mary and her little lamb weren’t doing it for me. Sure, I wish I stuck with piano because by middle school I had something to say, something to express. I was becoming a whole person. But, I’m not mad at the 5 year old me that quit because I had a different set of curiosities to explore and that early decision making was a part of me becoming a whole person.

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I look at my love of Chinese Medicine over the past 13-14 years and realize that I initially wanted to be an acupuncturist because it was “neat”. Now, I want to be an acupuncturist because I have known physical pain and emotional traumas and experienced the power of those little needles.

So while, time gave me an understanding of music, and my first career path brought me incredible friends, heartbreak has given me the capacity to appreciate love and pain has made me want to be a healer.

Do look back, do inhale life, but don’t waste time regretting, just keep moving forward in your own way. Get closer to you, get closer to the life you are intended to build for yourself. If everything in you is telling you to start over, do it. Even if it is wildly inconvenient. 🙂  Happy New Year.

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Thank you for following this blog and giving me a place to record my thought process. You’re lovely.

Love to you,

A

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3 comments

  1. Thanks for the link to my post and in doing so inviting me to your blog. Good luck on your journey!

  2. Keep on enjoying life! I’m glad that you’re enjoying life, too, you know! Oh, and Happy New Year to you, too! 🙂

    Hmm…and about acupuncture…I see it as a very curious thing…I guess there’s a lot of explanation under all those processes, huh?

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