I get to be a mom. I get to love a child that is my own, to raise, shape and guide him. Most of all, I get to meet him, a piece of me, a piece of his father, to watch him grow, change and make decisions all his own.
People ask if I’m excited, nervous or scared. What I am… is grateful. Overwhelming, flood-like grateful. I’ve dreamt of this exact chapter of my life for as long as I can remember. I also know that I’m lucky and that I wasn’t alone in my deep inner desire to become a mother. I think of every woman who has ever become a mother and those I know that are trying. Even though I just got married last Fall and we got pregnant easily, I know what it’s like to ache for a child of your own and I know what it feels like to watch everyone around you getting pregnant. All through my single years I wanted children, furthermore, I wanted some kind of guarantee that I’d be able to have children. I never ever took getting pregnant for granted and I never will. So I’m grateful. And to all my friends that are trying to get pregnant or dreaming of it, you’re meant to be mamas and will be.
So that’s what I’ve been hiding. In my uterus. I couldn’t write honestly while keeping this secret. Consider the blog back on.
Below are things I couldn’t help but write. I was so so terrified that I wouldn’t hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks due to something called a “missed miscarriage” which is when the baby just stops growing but you don’t know it, because nothing passes through you, heart wrenching to say the least. When I heard the heartbeat, I covered my face immediately and cried 10 weeks worth of tears. I was so afraid. My whole body was shaking and the midwife told me I could hear the heartbeat again if I calmed down. I also cried early on while watching the Oscars, when Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto went on and on about their mothers while accepting their award. Clearly, I’m a mess.
Inside me, grows a dream
With little fingers to reach
and wrap around my pinky
Inside me, grows a heart
A heart that will know love
A heart that may hurt but not break
For I will tell stories of hope
Until their tears run out of salt
Inside me grows a small but mighty spirit
Stubborn? Passionate? Gentle? Curious?
Who might you be?
Inside me, grows a little brain
That will hear years of trivia from their father
A mind that I will impatiently wait to know
Inside me grow little lungs
Expanding to inhale all of life
Little ears to hear the sounds
of street drummers, acoustic guitars
and my happiness, my gratefulness
Inside me, grows little eyelids
that will lift open, the moment we meet
Inside me, grows a dream
Inside me, grows a little life.
(Written at 7 weeks)
I’ll never forget the first time I heard your heart beat
I had to remember to breathe for you
It was as though someone opened the doors of heaven for me to peek in
Like gently rattling that gift wrapped box tucked behind the tree on Christmas Eve
Like scratching the surface of a winning ticket on an otherwise ordinary day
Like someone handed me keys to a door that’s been locked for years
Every rushing beat of your heart, broke and healed mine in one overwhelming moment
I love that little heart and all the hope it carries inside me
I’ll never forget the first moment I heard you
(Written at 10 weeks)
Love to you,