6 weeks til’ motherhood

Holy crap.

How did this happen!? It’s sneaking up sooo quickly. Technically, I can give birth RIGHT NOW and he’d survive. In 3 weeks, I could give birth and it’s not even considered premature. In 3 weeks, he’s fully “cooked”.

I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long. I’m totally the girl that all my friends could picture being “mom” and I’ve loved that. But I’ll admit, the bigger he gets inside of me, the more taken over I feel. The more taken over I feel, I more I find myself grasping at my individual identity. The more I fear the 24/7 “mom identity”.

I think of things like breast feeding every 2 hours and changing 12 diapers a day. Oh my goodness. When do I sleep? How do I put together a proper thought with so little sleep or… personal time? Also, this whole infant in the dead of Winter thing sounds extra difficult and isolating. I feel like my sofa will be my island. Maybe, I’m TRYING to overwhelm myself as a way of preparing because surely I can’t go into this with my purely optimistic idea of motherhood. Which to be clear… goes like this:

I get this sacred quiet time with my chubby, soft skinned baby and he stares back at me as I lull him to sleep with my bosom. Yes bosom. Then I baby wear him and we tool around antique shops and TJMaxx together, like a little team. He becomes my little buddy, a part of me, a part of my world in this very fluid, shocking way. Maybe he lays on my chest as I lay next to my husband and we make faces with him early in the morning, before the day starts. Oh and in my fantasy… he never poops on cute outfits. Obviously.

Also, I don’t have some kind of 9-5 job that is paying me while I’m on leave. I freelance. When I’m not working, I’m not paid. I have officially stopped taking clients and therefore, I am not getting paid. Not getting paid is totally freaking me out. My husband is now paying me, which is both incredible and very uncomfortable.

So… here we go. Thought I’d throw some blunt third trimester thoughts into the atmosphere. 😉

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Love to you,

A

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