I thought I meant it

I’ve loved a lot in my life. I’ve loved hard. I’ve said things like “I’d die for you” and I thought I meant it. Four months ago, I became a mom and four months ago I learned that I never really truly meant those words, until now. Those words have an entirely new meaning to me. I am now totally responsible for another human being. In the words of comedian, Jim Gaffigan, he grew inside of my body, I birthed him with my body and now I’m feeding him with my body. He’s apart of me in a way that no one has ever been. But he’s not me. He’s him, and he’s the most fragile, most delicate, most sacred thing I’ve ever held.

My greatest fear used to be not being able to be a mom, you know, because at some point, several points actually… (I thought I might date into my late 40s). Now my greatest fear is what if something happened to my baby boy and I couldn’t stop it? But you can’t think like that. You can’t, because it’s debilitating. Fear of any brand is debilitating. The moment you have something so special, so sacred, so beautiful in your life that you are terrified to the core of losing it, then you are living the dream, your dream. Why miss it for a moment because of fear?

Honestly, I remember being so scared after I met the man that is now my husband. We spent an entire day together early on and I remember this one moment so clearly, I was chopping onions and squeezing limes for a ceviche to take to his friend’s superbowl party and he sat in my kitchen playing the guitar and singing to me. I felt myself freeze deep down inside. My thought? Oh no, I LOVE this, I want this, the guitar singing, the man, the making of food, the simple yet full day, everyday. Okay, you may stop reading my posts after I tell you this… but I went to bed crying that night. Why? Because I was so afraid of getting hurt in the same way as I had been. Because I KNEW, I could love again but I didn’t know if I could survive another broken heart. Truly. I was scared out of my mind. But, I chose love over fear. I sort of plowed through my fear and downright ignored it for the first two years of dating. I don’t recommend ignoring your fear entirely, because fear is apart of your instinct. But rather, use that fear to shine a light on what matters to you. Why do you fear? Usually it’s because you have a hold of something sacred either within you, or within your life.

The best we can do is love with our whole hearts, sing at the top of our lungs and hold on until our fingertips turn pale. If you find yourself watching moments swirl by you, float with them. Soak them up, move with the moment and let them move you. Because infants are not the only fleeting, ever changing, ever moving thing in life. Children aren’t the only part of life that outgrow us. And love, well love contracts and expands with each passing season. So soak up this moment in time. Inhale it. If you have something so good that you fear a life without it, count yourself blessed.

Love to you,

A

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4 comments

  1. aqilaqamar

    I found this post to be yourself illustrated. You want people to appreciate what you do and your husband is a good person and man to be able to do that. This post was naked and I am amazed by its nakedness. It is beautiful.

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