Half a year, all my heart.

*Written for my son.

I have to write this stuff down because I’m lucky enough to have this time with you and I don’t ever want to forget these moments. The last time I wrote about you, you were 2.5 months old, I was just catching my breath and finding my way through being your mom, more specifically, being your personal buffet. Let’s just say, you and I were never wildly successfully in that department. In fact, we sucked at sucking. I say “we” because I’m still not entirely sure why it was so rough for us. Between pumping and night nursing, we made it exclusively to 3.5 months of breastmilk only. Then one night, I broke down, crying and drove to 2 grocery stores and 1 Walgreens trying to find you the least toxic baby formula, which ain’t easy! Ugh… the stuff that is sent to you for free… TOTAL crap. Anyway, I had to play the music in the car really loudly and I looked like a hot mess when purchasing the formula. Your dad totally made fun of me. I was aiming for 6-12 months, but here you are, you’re doing okay. Well, no, you’re amazing.

You started smiling around 3 months and it’s pretty much the greatest “thank you, hi and I love you mama” I could ever ask for. For awhile, you were very into waking up at 12am, 3am, and 6am. But man did you LOVE 3am, you thought it was playtime. Luckily, you’re really cute when you think it’s play time and I fall for it. Then eventually, around 4:30am, I’d nurse you back to sleep and you’d cling to me. Those were the tiny, quiet, dark moments when I found myself praying again. The prayer went like this “thank you so much for making me this little boy’s mama, please keep him healthy and safe, I love him so much”. Night after night, I couldn’t stop saying these words because I was left alone with you in this small little room and I felt like my gratefulness and love were going to tear out of me in the same way that the hulk’s t-shirt rips apart over his green muscles. That’s the right superhero right? Maybe Superman is the only one that wears t-shirts? I’m sure you’ll educate me in this when you’re five.

You kick and squirm so hard in your bath that you cause waves that splash water over the side and you’re pretty serious about it. The other day, I poured the water over your head as usual but this time you cracked up. You thought it was so funny. When you aren’t thoughtfully analyzing your surroundings or focused on kicking, bouncing, standing or jumping, you are smiling with all your might. Sometimes when I’m holding you, you lean over my shoulder and when someone gets your attention, you immediately go into a pike position against my stomach and throw yourself into a wide grin smile complete with dimples and a head turn. You’re a total flirt and respond best to women. Especially women who talk silly to you.

You’ve traveled on 8 flights and you’re a pro. You look around A LOT, you squirm a bit, you eat, then fall asleep in some awkward way on top of me. I like flying alone with you because it makes me feel like my life is still very open and free for exploring, I just now have a baby too. So thanks for making that delusion possible thus far.

During one of our trips, we went to visit my mom and dad. Daddy and Poppop were having a political debate and you were watching them intensely. I took you over to the mirror and let you stand on my lap so you could see yourself and all of a sudden, you were waving your hands up and down and making stern but succinct baby noises that mimicked Daddy and Poppop. You were 4.5 months and you gave a two minute long monologue and got four adults to shut up and listen. It was hilarious. Feel free to do that whenever, daddy and poppop debate. 😉

You sleep now, so that’s amazing. You’ve started sleeping 8-12 hours a night with one wake up. The minute we introduced a blanket to your bedtime routine you slept longer. You pull it over your head, then off your head and then you snuggle with it and sleep! When you start to get tired you rub your right ear with your fist and stretch out the other arm as it rubs against your left ear. You also rub your eyes, cartoon style. We’ve been feeding you and putting you to bed like this and you coo and talk for a bit before nodding off to sleep.

You still love affection, you give me this big, delirious smile when I run my hands through your hair. You giggle when we tickle you or make high pitched sounds. I like to rub lotion on your little body, you like it on your limbs but not your belly or back. Oh well! You also started caressing me, usually my arm or chest but sometimes my face. It’s gentle and as fluid as your little hand knows how to be.

You’re totally cool with hanging out and playing by yourself on the floor now. You just learned how to sit by yourself but sometimes you still fall, so I surround you with giant pillows and put all the toys in front of you. Also, you have a little bottom tooth peaking through your gums. Basically, you’re all grown up.

The whole time I was pregnant I wanted to know what your personality would be like. Everyone kept asking if I was dying to see what you looked like, my response was not really, I’m just imagining that he’ll look like his dad but then you came out looking like me! So fun. Now you’re more of a combo. Actually some days you wake up looking like me all day, then other days you look like your dad. One thing’s for sure, you are going to be tall like your dad, you are measuring at 97th percentile in length! 48% in weight, which I don’t mind because you still are tiny in my arms.

Anyway, your personality, I couldn’t be more thrilled that I’m getting to know you now. You’re a wildly expressive baby, gentle and careful in your touch but beyond active. The other day the doctor said “watch out for this one, he’s gonna keep you busy”. You cannot wait to stand, you have zero interest in tummy time or crawling but you are all about sitting and standing with my help. You swat me, the table and the floor. Maybe you’ll be a drummer or a general contractor? You love being walked around in the carrier or in our arms, that’s been the case for awhile. Sometimes you’ll cry if we sit down to hold you. You are so social and flirtatious, surely you’ll make a lot of friends and charm a lot of ladies.

These last few months have been the most incredible months of my life, I feel like you’re really my little buddy, when I hold you, you swat my shoulder as if you were giving me a pat on the back. You come with me to Chipotle and I feed you avocado. You also like pears, peaches and oranges. You hate prunes and you’re not sure why I gave you rutabaga. Carrots are okay but you look confused when I give them to you. In all, you’re still more interested in the spoon than the food. We’ve gone to several antique/salvage stores, TJMaxx, Home Depot and Menards. You loved a place called Architectual Artifacts and Home Depot, you looked in awe and kept kicking your legs as I wore you in a carrier. Yesterday, daddy and I took you for a car wash, every little sound and light amazed you. You make all of life brand new. You see the mundane as spectacular and everything feel more full. I’m so glad, your mine and I’m yours.

Love to you,

Mama A


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