Little Brother

You seem feisty already. You move 4x more than your big brother did. You flip me over in my sleep. I just keep thinking that you are going to be so physical. Luckily your big brother has a head start, pretty sure he’s ready to wrestle you already. I’ll be your bathrobed bodyguard for quite some time.

I can’t believe you are almost here. I really am ready for you. When I gave birth to your brother, motherhood as I know it, commenced. Not only was your brother born, but the mother in me was born. I became someone I’d never been before. Within, I felt divided as two. I became more than I was and less than I was in the instant he took his first breath. In the moment your dad severed the cord, I felt immense responsibility. My understanding of self seemed to be holding on by a thread and yet some part of me scrambled to strengthen that thread all while attempting to understand how to intuitively know what was needed to help your brother, grow, sleep, eat and learn. I am a part of you and your brother and you are apart of me, the separation is not clear, the lines are more blurred than I could ever have imagined. It’s a love I’ve never known before, both unyieldingly selfless and sometimes defiantly selfish.

Anyway, I’m ready now. Ready to inhale the scent of you with a new understanding that I will not be lost in my love for you, but found. That I will become more of the person I was always meant to be as I love and care for you. I’ve made peace and found gratitude in the option to temporarily pull back from the ego that rested in owning my own business and though I’ve not yet mastered the art of a well thought out, introspective conversation with friends while there’s a toddler or two in the room, I continue practicing. I still cook and host my friends, I spend quiet hours each night with your father. I got this. We got this. We can do this. I know that this is our time, our sacred time together, you, me, your brother and the world around us during the day.

I’m excited to meet you, my little uterine sumo wrestler! I can’t wait to know you. I will savor those sleepless nights where you curl your tiny, sweaty body into me and exhale. I will remember how short these moments are and how special it is that your dad and I are your safest place. I will remember to forgive myself if nursing is hard again. I will watch you, learn from you and try to raise you in a way that is specific to you.

I wonder what this will be like for your big brother. He’ll be 22 months old, not even two. I call you his baby, so he develops a sense of pride not jealousy. He’s a sensitive fellow, I think he knows that he’ll be sharing me soon. I can only imagine what it will feel like to have you both snuggled up to me. Will I feel overwhelmed, or a tide of peace? Either way, I am so in.

boys

See you soon little brother. 🙂

Love to you,

Mama A

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